You Can Be Right or You Can Be Happy
from How to Stay in Love by James J. Sexton

A divorce lawyer who’s spent his career ending marriages shares what he’s learned about how to keep one.

“Two of the most troubling expressions in the divorce trade are ‘soulmate’ and ‘fifty-fifty.’ So long as you’re getting what you need, why must it be half? Who gives a damn if it’s even? It’s what you need that matters.”

“I deal with people caught up in calculating what they believe they’re entitled to based on what their ex is getting. They’re keeping a tally — external and internal. Blame, fault, and righteousness become zero-sum games: the more one party possesses, the less the other has.”

“I once represented a mother hell-bent on sticking it to her ex, giving him as little time as possible with their kids. She was more interested in being right — in proving her position had merit — than in what was truly right for her children.”

“Healthy couples, by contrast, know how to disagree: they’re not so worried about being right, or more right. Being right is often precisely the obstacle to resolution.”

“Even in good relationships, it’s easy to keep an internal scoresheet. He leaves his socks everywhere, finishes the milk, comes home late — you’re up 3–0, right? But if things are solid, you’ll admit that his positives — supportive, monogamous, reliable — far outweigh the negatives. Yet many couples act as though every negative counts for twenty-five points and every positive counts for half.”

“In marriages heading toward divorce, there’s often an insane, narcissistic need to be right every single time, or to get even. It’s exhausting for everyone.”

“There’s an easier way: when your partner says, ‘I’m sorry I did [something stupid],’ instead of pointing out how stupid it was, try saying, ‘I’m sorry too.’ Nine times out of ten, it disarms your partner. What follows — genuine apology, empathy, and balance — are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship.”

“What I do professionally has taught me that good relationships require deep compromise, to the point that even important values are sometimes sacrificed.”

“It’s natural to want to win the argument, to have your perspective validated. But when it comes to the person you love, you can concede once in a while.”

“Which is more important: winning the argument, or winning at the larger game of love and companionship?”

“You can be right, or you can be happy.”

Excerpt condensed from How to Stay in Love by James J. Sexton (Henry Holt and Co., 2018).
© James J. Sexton. Used under fair use for personal and educational reflection.